eighty eight

today, the 30th of january is my father's birthday.

he would have been eighty eight today.

he was a simple man. he had no major ups-and-downs. and as far as i know, he had no major ambition, or any major failure.

but he was a good man. he had a lot of friends. everybody in our town knew him. nobody said anything bad about him. everybody spoke of him like they were close friends of his.

he neither got into politics nor joined any prestigious organization so he was never influential. but up to this day, everybody knows us--his sons and daughters--and refers to us, as "anak ni peles."

he was not perfect as a husband. but my mother, who is independence-incarnate, must have seen something in him that made her stay with my father for fifty years. and now, for the past three and a half years that he's been gone, my mother visits his tomb everyday after mass. according to her, she just stays there for a few minutes and talks to him. maybe she gets lonely sometimes and she needs to feel his reassuring presence. or maybe she, to quote from a gilbert o'sullivan song,

"couldn't understand why the only man,
she had ever loved had been taken.
leaving her to start, with a heart so badly broken."

(i'm not sure i could finish this. the more i think about him, the more i miss him. and somehow wish that he were still here.)

he was far from being an ideal father. but if i could live another lifetime, and had a choice, i would most probably pick him again.

he didn't have much. but what he lacked materially, he compensated for by kindness and love. he always worried where we were. he didn't like it when he couldn't see us, literally. of course, we hated it. but deep inside, we appreciated that. that made us feel wanted and reassured.

what he couldn't teach us himself, he let us learn on our own. most of the time, he didn't say no whenever we wanted to go somewhere or do anything. (or maybe he just couldn't say no to my mother. anyways...) considering how restless he would get whenever we were out of sight, letting us leave the house was surely a big sacrifice for him.

he never expected anything grand from us. so there was no pressure whenever he was around.

he was the most appreciative person i have ever known in my whole life.

his smiles were some of the most genuine.

and his heart, one of the purest.

freaky message alert sound

for the last several days, i've been hearing this freaky message alert sound in the office. i think one officemate bought a new phone.

there's nothing wrong with that sound per se. it just brings back some really really really bad memories.

i wasn't aware of it at first. i couldn't explain it but the pain is physical. my extemities felt cold, i had a little difficulty breathing and it felt like my throat was dry.

then i remembered something. and i got to connect it to the sound.

now, i still feel the same everytime i hear it. but at least i know why.

the much awaited and long anticipated transfer

finally.

today (technically it was yesterday because it's already sunday. anyways...) i moved in to my condo.

yipeee!

all the while, i was thinking that i wouldn't be transporting too much stuff. but as i was packing, it just felt that it was not going to end.

as usual, i underestimated everything. i only had about half an hour to pack before the movers came.

and the number of boxes that we bought. most of my clothes ended up in black garbage bags. and i don't know how they would all fit inside my new place.

there are just a few more glitches to attend to. but i'm excited. and things are looking really great.

surreal

my head is reeling.
my mind is full of shit.
my heart is somewhere else; in its place is a huge hole.
my spirit is a heap of shards of broken glass.
my hands and feet are lead.

home is no longer my comfort zone.
everyday is a battle.
everywhere i go, there's war.

my soul can't rest in peace.
there's no place for me to rest.
there's no pillow to put my head on.
there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

chocolates no longer offer any consolation.
flowers are for the dead.
kisses are bitter poison.

i just rediscovered this. according to the time-stamp, i wrote this on march 01, 2006. there's nothing poetic about this, i know. just random thoughts and musings.

i love today

got a few great news today. can't say yet what they are exactly. confidential, and i don't want to jinx them.

suffice it to say that they are great news. that i've been waiting for them for some weeks, even months, now.

and i prayed for them yesterday and this morning.

i love today.

some thoughts on 2007

two thousand and seven is ten days and twelve minutes old.

i'm still not sure what this year is going to be like.

i don't know what i'd be doing this year. i have some plans. small ones. unimportant.

nothing that would change my life. nothing drastic. nothing that would make me say to myself, "this is what i'm going to do for the rest of my life."

there are a few new places i would be visiting this year. some people i'd be spending some time with.

i want to develop some of my skills. and learn new ones.

* * *

nakatayo ako sa tubig. hanggang tuhod. malakas ang agos. may mga ipuipong umiikot sa binti ko. nakakakiliti. pero hindi ako kinikiliti.

kinukuha lang ang mga butil ng buhanging tinatapakan ko. paisa-isa. mabilis.

hanggang nararamdaman kong ang natitira na lang ang 'yung mismong nasa ilalim ng talampakan ko.

at maski 'yun ay tinatangay din ng alon.

alam kong konting angat lang ang mga paa ko, mabilis nang mawawala ang buhanging tinutuntungan ko.

at hindi ko alam kung mananatili ba ako sa aking kinatatayuan. o maghahanap na ba ako ng ibang matutuntungan.